What if…

On September 6 of this year. I was admitted to the behavioral health unit of a local hospital, where I remained for 5 days.  As I look back at where I was that got me in that position I am filled with remorse but also with a deep feeling of gratitude for the interventions taken at that time to help me put my broken life back on track.

It all began with an unhealthy attachment to a member of the clergy in the church I belong to.  This man, who was the LDS Bishop of my ward, had so much love for the members of his ward, that he was willing to do anything that he could to show that love he had for Heavenly Father’s children.

However, what he lacked was, knowledge and experience in the field of counseling and psychology.  He is a computer guy and writer not a therapist and he took on a role that he was inexperienced in.  His motives were good and his love was genuine but he didn’t realize that the person he was trying to serve (me) was so mentally ill that I would have  unrealistic expectations and attachments to the relationship.

When he was released, I continued to treat him as if he was still my Bishop.  I even got more desperate and more needy in my attempts to keep him in my life.

I did not like feeling this attachment to him or feel like I was bothering him so I asked him to take a step back and help me become less dependent on him.  The result was him pushing me completely out of his life.  Which wasn’t really what I was looking for although I may have communicated it in a hard to understand way.

This and a very major, depressive “crash” led me to a suicide attempt and a subsequent stay in the behavioral health unit.

It wasn’t until about 3 weeks after I left the hospital that my Doctor finally put me on a medication that has worked miracles for me.  While, I feel much more in control of my life and much more able to cope with things.  I still wonder what if?

What if I hadn’t told him to push me away?

What if I still had his friendship in my life but just in a more health way?

What if I could feel like the things he did were because he cared and not because he just doesn’t want me in his life anymore?

What if I could be healed?

My 19 year old missionary son, gave me a beautiful blessing in which I was promised that if I have faith and study the scriptures daily I will be healed.  I want to use this blog as my “healing blog” where I can write my progressions, set backs, feelings and thoughts on my journey to wholeness.