The Visitors

I have debated for a while now whether or not to post this but I decided that even if it makes me lose friends I need to get it out:

The visitors are here today and I am having a difficult time getting them to leave.  The visitors have been coming to me most of my life.  They don’t come every day anymore like they used to but they are more forceful now than they ever have been before.  They try to get me to do things that I don’t want to do and even threaten me.

When I was in second or third grade, I went outside to the school playground and wandered far from where everyone else was.  I wasn’t in ear shot of anyone.  I remember sitting under a tree and hearing my mom call my name.  When I looked, no one was there.

That is the first time I actually recall hearing voices that no one else could hear.  I told a friend about the voices and she said that I better not ever tell anyone else or they would think I was crazy. After that, I heard voices regularly. They were always familiar voices, usually voices of family members and they always came from outside of my head.  They started out as friendly voices; nothing scary or threatening and always a voice I recognized as someone who cared about me.

Later, when I was a little older (not quite teenage) something happened to me that was very frightening and confusing.  Someone did something that hurt me very badly.  That was the first time the voices came from inside my head and it was the first time they became scary.

I never told anyone about the voices until much later in life but they affected my life in profound ways.  I learned to hide this from other people, especially my family.  Usually, I just stopped talking all together when the voices came, if no one was around I would talk back to the voices.

At first, it was just one voice, as I got older other voices, were added to the scenario. Now I typically hear just three voices, two male and one female.

Several years ago, a friend of mine talked me into naming my voices, something I never wanted to do.  I finally, did however and I named the female voice Velma and the two male voices Nick and Damon.

I don’t like having names for them however so I started referring to them as simply the voices and later the visitors.

I used to have a shirt that said “I hear voices and they don’t like you.”  Everyone thought it was a funny shirt but actually it was stating a fact;  My voices never liked my friends and they tried to pit me against any one who dared try to be friend me The visitors tell me things about my friends.  such as they hate me or that they are talking badly about me or other things like that and I usually believe them when I am crashing.  I either get angry with these friends and say mean things to them or I ask them if they still like me, it depends on how forceful the visitors are and if they have stirred me up to anger or just gotten me to the point of feeling insecure.

When I am feeling ok, I don’t understand why I do this and feel bad about it but when I am in a crash it seems completely logical to me.

These visitors have helped me lose many of my friends. The visitors also tell me to hurt myself and lately have been telling me to hurt others as well.  For the most part, I can ignore them but sometimes it is really hard and I feel like I have to do what they say or they will somehow hurt me.

I have never hurt anyone else physically but  I have done things that have hurt people emotionally and verbally. I am getting better at coping with the visitors.  I am getting better at not listening to them but there are times when it feels like I have no control over them and that I have to do what they say. Sometimes I am worried about impulses and urges that come to me at the worst times.

I have been ok so far in not letting them control me but I guess I am scared that they will get too strong for me to resist soon.

Today is especially hard they are really shouting and threatening.  I am worried about going to church and being where other people are.  I feel that having these visitors in my head somehow make me bad or unlovable