…That your days may be long upon the face of the earth

It seems to me that most people want to live long lives. It is all the rage to try this diet or that exercise to give you more years and put more health in the years you have, so I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with a person who doesn’t want to live a long life? And is said person really that unique in feeling that way? mortality

There are many scriptures including the one in Deuteronomy 4:40 where the promise for keeping the commandments is a prolonged life upon this earth. What if I don’t want a prolonged life? I want to obey the commandments and be the best person I can be but I don’t want to live for a long time.

I talked to my Bishop and he said that we are supposed to be happy and I know this to be true because there is a scripture found in 2 Nephi 2:25 where it says that “…Men are that they might have joy” However, My Bishop is actually mistaken about one thing and that is that just because I don’t want to live for a really long time doesn’t mean that I am unhappy or that I don’t do things to help myself become happy it simply means that I don’t want to live for a really long time. He also said that not wanting to live for a long time makes me suicidal which I don’t understand since I am not wanting to or planning on ending my own life.

My mother suggested that if I am not taking care of myself that in a sense I am not enduring to the end, however, I am not doing anything to purposely make me unhealthy so that I will die. I try to eat right and exercise, I am on medication and I go to the doctor whenever I need to.

I haven’t however, gotten a mammogram nor do I plan on getting a Colonoscopy because these procedures are designed to diagnose cancer and other illnesses early enough to save one’s life and I really don’t want my life prolonged or “saved” If I get cancer or some other life-threatening illness I would rather take pain meds to make myself comfortable while I die.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately because I have never been one who wanted to live for a long time. I have had times of my life when I was in such despair and depression that I actually prayed for God to let me die. Obviously the answer was no as I am still here. I have cousins and friends who have died premature deaths when they wanted to live longer and I have questioned why not me? why them?

But, for the most part I don’t necessarily hate my life or want it to end right this minute I just really think that the next life will bring me a measure of rest and peace that I can’t always find here and that sounds much better to me than living until I am 90 in pain and anguish. I realize that my mental illness makes this life seem harder at times than it is and maybe that is part of why I don’t want to prolong my life and at times I actually wish I could pass away but for the most part I just don’t find life enjoyable enough to live it for another 46+ years.

live forever

So I guess the questions that come to my mind are as follows:
-Is there something wrong with me because I don’t have a desire to live for a long time?
-Does this desire to have a shorter life span somehow make me bad or contrary to what God wants of me?
-Does enduring to the end mean trying to prolong my life as much as possible?
-Does it somehow make me selfish that I don’t want to live to meet and enjoy my grandchildren and great grandchildren?
-Does not wanting to live mean I am suicidal even though I don’t want or plan to kill myself?
-Does not wanting to live for a long time mean I am lacking joy or pleasure in my life?