All my life since I was just a young girl, I have thought there was something wrong with my mind and personality. Through experience, I learned that when people get to know me they really don’t like me which just confirmed that I am right about having something wrong with my personality..
I recently read a story about a man who got brainwashed through electric sock and torture. The said character described it as having a lot of memories but not knowing if they were true or false. His best friend in the story had to help him sort out truth from fiction but he always had times of “fogginess” when his mind didn’t work well.
Sometimes that is how I feel. I have never had electric shock treatment nor have I been tortured, but at certain times, when I am in the middle of an emotional crash, as I call it, I sometimes can’t tell the difference between truth and fiction. I question people’s motives, even people who have proved to me time and again that they are my friend and care about me. Sometimes I get so angry with people for something I perceived that I later find is not even the truth. Sometimes I hear voices and can’t tell reality from what the voices say. From time to time, I go through episodes of major depression and anxiety. All these aspects of my mental illness have cost me many friends through the years.
Sometimes I wonder why I have this particular trial of mental illness. What do I need to learn? Someone once suggested that maybe it’s to teach others how to deal with people who have this kind of disorder. I have had times in the past where I thought it was because of something I did wrong at some point of my existence. All I know is that I’m not dealing with it with grace and finesse, and in fact I often feel that I am failing at whatever it is I am supposed to be learning. I often feel that I am my own worst enemy and harder on myself than anyone else ever will be.
Recently I went on a new medication. It was added to the two anti-depressant meds I was already taking. I didn’t want to take it because it can cause extreme weight gain but I have been on it for for almost 5 months now and have only gained a little weight. The medicine is called Abilify and it is classified as an anti-psychotic So far it has been a miracle drug for me. It has helped more than any other medicine I have ever tried. It’s the only medicine that I have ever taken that I don’t feel like going off of. I love how I feel when I am on this and it makes me want to stay on it.
I guess this is just the cross I have been asked to bear and I am glad I have medications and knowledgeable therapists and doctors and that really help me.
I am grateful for the friends I haven’t managed to push away and for a supportive and caring husband. At least with the trial, My Merciful Heavenly Father has also sent ways for me to cope with that trial.