It has always bothered me when people die. I tried to analyze it and I realized that it doesn’t bother me so much when old people die but when people around my age or younger die I have a difficult time dealing with it. It has nothing to do with me not believing they are with their father in heaven in a better place. I think it has more to do with the fact that I have had major depression most of my life and I spend a great deal of time thinking about, wishing and praying that I can die. When young people who don’t want to die get sick and die, I wish that if could be me. i think it unfair to take someone who wants to keep living and leave me who doesn’t. I know this is a morbid subject and can be taken the wrong way but deep down, it is just frankly how I have always felt.
My cousin died at age 40 of a brain tumor leaving a husband and 4 little girls without a wife and mother. When I was 12 i lost a friend my age to a car accident, she was not wanting or ready to die so young. A few years back a woman in my ward whom I also grew up with died leaving 5 kids and a husband. And just recently, Ryan Runia, someone who used to be in my ward and served as my home teacher for many years passed away. He is younger than I am and left 4 children.
I wasn’t close to him like I was with some of the others but the whole fact that he died when he was so hopeful for a happy life, seems to throw a curve ball at my emotions and I don’t always know how to deal with it.