It was dark, typical of a movie theater, very noisy and cooler than anticipated thanks to the air conditioning in the building. I was sitting next to my husband and children while we watched a movie that I wasn’t really interested in. I couldn’t focus, the boy across the isle from me kept making insane remarks some that had to do with the movie and some that didn’t and as distracting as his comments were, I could only focus on my racing heart and and anxious thoughts. I wanted to cry, bolt from the room and pull my hair out. I couldn’t even stop the insanity long enough to enjoy a movie with my family.
Then I remembered something that happened several nights before, when I was trying to sleep. My feet were “jumpy” for lack of a better term. They were uncomfortable and I couldn’t keep them from jumping and moving around. This is something I experience quite frequently especially when I am trying to relax or get to sleep. I have creams and pills that sometimes help for a minute or two but nothing that really takes it away completely so I got in a comfortable position, and focused on any pain and discomfort in my body. Each area that I felt some kind of discomfort in, I imagined a light coming in taking away the pain and helping that area relax. I know it sounds weird but it actually worked and I was able to sleep, peacefully.
As I sat in the theater remembering this experience I thought I’d try it on the panic attack I was starting to have. I knew what I was worrying and stressing over and I knew that there was no immediate solution to the issues so I closed my eyes, drowned out the crying children and stupid remarks and even what was going happening on the big screen in front of me and I imagined the big white light coming and erasing the tension and anxiety from my mind. It took a little longer that I remember it taking when I tried it on my jumpy feet a few nights earlier and it took a lot of concentration to not think about what it was that was stressing me out but within a short amount of time, I was enjoying myself (as much as I could given the movie I was watching) and not thinking about the decision I had to make and how it would impact me and my family in the months to come.
I have been praying for several days now to help me with a decision that is very disconcerting for me to have to make and though, I am no closer to a solution than I was before, I was able to relax enough to enjoy the movie as much as possible with my family. I am not even able to lay on the couch and focus on tv programs right now that is how bad the panic attacks have gotten but for a few short hours, I relaxed. I realized maybe I have more control over things than I usually admit to having.
It’s weird that an imagined bright white light can take away pain and even chaotic thoughts in my mind if I just practice it.