A Day of Guilt

 

I am having an emotional day.  It’s my day off and its supposed to be relaxing but for some reason I am letting guilt flood over me.  Last night in my counseling session, we talked about guilt and my counselor asked me why I put so much of it on myself about so many things.  She was mostly talking to me about the guilt I feel sometimes as I parent.  I often blame myself for my children’s weaknesses and shortcomings.  guiltToday the guilt is about work.  They called and asked me to take a shift at the group home and I said no simply because I didn’t want to.  My husband supported me in this decision but then I took a nap which added to the guilt.  I just wanted a day to rest and relax.  I feel guilty because I won’t get the extra money that working would have given me and because even though I exercised, cleaned house and took my son shopping, I feel like I shouldn’t have slept so much and should have done more.

When I talked to my therapist my guilt was that I used to yell at my kids so much when they were little.  And though I don’t do that anymore I have guilt that my yelling could be what caused some of the behaviors they have now.  I told her that if only I could go back and change it and she said that I have changed it so I need to quit revisiting it.  She said I need to pat myself on the shoulder for the things I do right and not let the guilt of the past overwhelm me.

I know she is right and yet, today on my day off I am choosing to let the guilt flood over me instead of just enjoying the day off.

 

Guilt Trip

I took a little trip today

to a place most

would rather not stay

I stopped in

what if

and visited

if only

and passed through

the valley

of I wish I had

and now that I’m back

I am wondering why

all I want to do

is sit down and cry!